Sisters of the Heart
by LoveyHowl
Summary: As tough as she is, Dr. Lillian DePaul has allowed Virginia Johnson in on the most painful part of her life. Very much a master of her own inner-strength, Virginia still remains guarded in all things related to Dr. Bill Masters. Will secrets be the thing that divides their relationship or cements it?


Masters of Sex S2E5

I own nothing.

Sisters of the Heart

* * *

Virginia helped Lillian through her front door and led her to her couch.

"Thank you."

"Of course—can I get anything for you, Lillian?" Virginia asked as she took her suit jacket.

"You know, I would really adore a cup of tea—would you join me?" she asked as she unbuttoned several of the topmost buttons on her blouse and sank further back into the cushy splendor of her floral Chintz sofa.

"Why, yes, I would love to..."

"The kitchen is right through there..." Lillian lifted one tired hand and pointed past the archway of the dining room as her other went to her temple and tried to massage away the beginning of a headache.

"I'll be right back..." Virginia said with a warm smile; she hung Lillian's suit coat on the rack by the front door and then headed for the kitchen. It was the first time she had actually been inside of Lillian's modest little house. Before their last conversation in the car she knew that they would have said their goodbye's at the porch steps, regardless of how weak Lillian had felt; her invitation, not only to come in but to stay a while made her feel like she had truly earned the other woman's trust, at last. And Virginia so wanted Lillian to trust her and realize that what she felt in return was far from pity, but her own ultimate respect and admiration.

As she looked about the lovely little kitchen searching for cups and silverware she was struck by the frilliness of it all; beaded French Provincial curtains exploding with lovely orange Hibiscus flowers on a cream background against the elegance of cream walls and white windows; a stunning little round table of antique walnut and two exquisite Duncan Phyfe dining chairs painted in a delicate buttermilk yellow, the white fabric covered with tiny yellow rosebuds; a lovely center arrangement of white tea roses complimented the table set for two.

Clean white appliances, cabinetry and linoleum finished off the room, as well as a red heart-shaped apron framed by white ruffles—so jarringly out-of-place and not, at the same time, amidst all of the cream, white, yellow and walnut opulence—hung on an walnut and wrought iron baker's rack which housed a copper serving tray and an other-worldly copper teapot that reminded Virginia immediately of something she'd seen in _The Thief of Bagdad_ as a teenager. It looked too ornate to use but as there was no other in the room Virginia put it on to boil; she collected cups and saucers from a cabinet, silverware from a drawer and the Earl Grey tea from the platter and began to prepare the service. Concentrating on her careful footsteps out of the kitchen, through the dining room and then on to the living room she looked up for a second and noticed that Lillian was gone.

"Lillian? Are you alright?" she called out.

"I'm fine—just changing..." she called back from her bedroom.

Virginia set the service down gently upon the coffee table. "Lillian, your kitchen is simply a dream! I feel like I stepped onto a page in Ladies' Home Journal..."

"Thank you...that style was my mother's favorite...the antiques were hers, as well; I only dared to have the chairs spruced up with a bit of fresh paint, everything else is original...a little piece of home, and all of that..."

"Well, it's just lovely...your house is lovely..." Virginia smoothed her skirt as she waited for Lillian before she took her own seat; she looked up when she re-entered the living room and was more than surprised at the woman's appearance.

"Oh, put your eyes back in your head, Virginia—I _am_ a woman, contrary to popular belief...although I might dispense with this pink very soon," she said of her elegant long peignoir set. "In our business pink is the color of health, isn't it?" she said as she looked down at herself in disdain. "I find pink, these days, to be the primary color of betrayal, considering the state of my cancerous insides; I think that I'll go shopping one day, as soon as I feel a little better, and shock the saleslady with my request for some brazen and tasteless Frederick's of Hollywood number—you know, see-through black chiffon and a pair of boa-lined mules," she chuckled wryly to herself, "what do you think, Virginia?" she asked as she looked back up at her. "Purely for a lark—and you must come with me, of course."

"Uh..." Virginia found it hard to get out any other words, surprised that, even in her still stilted way, Lillian was making a joke of herself and speaking of her cancer in such a candid manner.

"Well?" The look on Lillian's face then was one of pure irritation.

Virginia shook her head in slow disbelief, "That...would be...quite the lark, Lillian," she ended with a confounded nod of her head.

"Oh, sit down, Virginia..." Lillian ordered her exasperatedly as she sank to the couch; Virginia obeyed.

"It's just that—you look absolutely radiant, Lillian; and you have such lovely hair—you should wear it down more often..."

"I do, Virginia—when I'm at home. What, you think I keep up my professional personae even as I slip under the covers at night?"

"Of course not, Lillian, it's just—"

"I repeat, Virginia—I am a woman."

"I know that you're a woman, Lillian—"

"And now that I'm to be an unemployed woman, I'll be wearing my hair down from now on, it seems—at least, until it all falls out. Please...pour the tea?"

"Of course..." Virginia gave her an uncomfortable look before she set herself to the task.

"It's okay, Virginia...you can laugh.

"I would if that had been a joke."

"It was a joke."

"Then you're going to have to do better. This teapot—where in the world is it from? It's breathtaking..." she said as she handed Lilian her cup and saucer, anxious to speak on a lighter subject.

"I had a boyfriend during freshman year of college, nice young man—my first real boyfriend—the one I lost my virginity to, as a matter of fact—does that shock you?" Lillian's question was a challenge.

"I don't know, Lillian, are you trying to shock me?" Virginia parried as she peered over her tea cup.

Lillian gave a quiet little harrumph at herself then took a sip of tea. "I suppose that's impossible, Virginia...to shock you..." she said matter-of-factly as she set her cup down; she looked back up at her and gave a reprimanding shake of her head at her own self. "Anyway, Robert's father—that was his name...Robert—Robert's father was a U.S. Diplomat who had served all over the world but spent his last years at the Embassy in Pakistan; his mother collected teapots. She gave me this one as a birthday present. She might have very well been my mother-in-law—had I not switched my major from math to biology and made it known that I intended to pursue a career as a doctor. Not a popular decision, as you can well imagine."

Virginia nodded.

"Ah, well...a testimony to and reminder of the path not chosen, hmm? That's what Freud would say, wouldn't he?"

"I don't know, Lillian. Do you...regret the path not chosen?" Virginia asked her delicately.

"Before the cancer I would have said, without hesitation and unequivocally—no. Now that I'm staring Death in the face? It really doesn't matter, does it? I'm rather relieved that I'm not leaving behind a husband to grieve me; small children that would be traumatized for the rest of their lives and left to deal with that awful feeling of abandonment...that follows in the wake of such a thing. I will leave this life exactly as I came into it: alone. Believe it or not, Virginia, the idea of that is a comfort to me."

Virginia gave her a look. "Really, Lillian?"

"Of course not, Virginia!" she snapped back at her as she crossed her arms defiantly across her chest and leaned back into the sofa.

"You're not alone, Lillian.." Virginia began tentatively.

"I have no brother or sisters, Virginia; no relatives—my father passed before I graduated from college—cardiac arrest; my mother died when I was thirteen years old—thirteen years old..." her voice trailed off sadly. "I hadn't even started my menstrual cycle yet..." Lillian wiped a tear furiously away from the corner of her eye. "All of the major milestones of my life—she was not a part of them..."

Lillian felt herself giving in to the urge to completely bare her soul but thought back to the moment she realized that Virginia would never do the same with her and reeled herself back in.

"You know, I don't now what it is about you that makes me just...I don't know..." Lillian shook her head at herself, "makes me reveal all of my personal business to you...what does that say about me?" she asked in earnest.

"It says that you need someone to _talk_ to, Lillian...that's all..." Virginia said softly as she took one of her free hands and gave it a reassuring squeeze.

Lillian allowed it for a moment and then yanked her hand away. "Maybe. You know, I realize that I was wrong—that day I asked you if you had any secrets—I was wrong to try and bait you in the way that I did; I was wrong to think that, just because I've allowed you to be privy to my secrets, that you were obligated to reveal yours to me. You realize what I'm speaking about?"

Virginia realized that it was not a the time to play coy or ignorant. "Of course I do."

"I'm sorry that I did that, Virginia."

"And you should be."

Lillian was unfazed by the rebuke. "But I will tell you that I still feel betrayed, Virginia. I went about it the wrong way, I admit that; but still, after all that I've shared with you I just thought that you would..that you would have been able to put your trust in me. I realize that trust must be earned and apparently I have not earned yours; not enough for you to feel safe in opening up to me."

"There is nothing, Lillian, to open up about," said Virginia exasperatedly.

The two women stared each other down.

"You know, I know what it's like to be on the other side of a forbidden love—"

"Stop right there, Lillian—" Virginia rose up angrily from her seat and leveled an angry frown down at Lillian, "I am _not_ in love—with anyone: not Bill; not Ethan—no one. I refuse to be—"

Lillian raised a skeptical eyebrow at her.

"_Why_ are you looking at me that way?" Virginia angrily demanded.

"So...that's it..." Lillian nodded her head through a condescending little chuckle.

"_What_, Lillian?"

"What a liar you were when you sat there and told me that there was nothing interesting about you, Virginia. I sublimated my femininity in order to work in the male-dominated world of medicine: I dressed like them, hid behind cold, grey suits and sexually non-aggressive school-marm hair. You? You flaunted yours, tastefully, tantalizingly, as if you were unaware, and cut right through the stone fortress that is Bill Masters. I reacted jealously, but what I really was—was impressed. Believe me, Mrs. Johnson, I regret that you and I had not met sooner..."

Virginia let out an involuntary and unbelieving little gasp.

"I...work twice as hard, get less than the same pay, absolutely no recognition and I have no time left to even remotely begin to make the mark I know that I'm capable of making, in spite of it all; you sashay in, and in less than a year have co-authored a ground-breaking study with a leading doctor in his field and would have done the same for me if hadn't the need to give my work to Doctor Papanikolaou so that it may go on and get off the ground without me.

"You know that it was my very personal and real baby, Virginia; and yes, along with helping countless women to never have to suffer my fate, of course I would have loved making a name for myself; letting it go was no easy thing, surely you must know that, but it was necessary.

"All of this to say that you shattered every preconceived notion that I had about you, and that I learned something very important from you—that we were both hiding behind facades in order to accomplish goals that are more than possible—they are inevitable. I completely understand the why of that, now. We're sisters, Virginia; you're the closest thing to a sister that I will ever have; a sister in medicine; a sister in the struggle; a sister of the heart, Virginia. I'm not accusing you or judging you. Or at least, I wasn't going to; there's just as much joy in giving as receiving and I was trying to give myself to you, that's all; I wanted you to know, that even though my time is limited—I'm...I'm..."

The floodgate holding a life time of pent-up emotions gave way to unleash the torrent of Lillian's tortured tears; she cried for everything she had lost in her life: her mother and father; the years she'd spent sacrificing her womanhood when it was so unnecessary; the whole damned-if-you-do-damned-if-you-don't endeavor that had been her entire medical career; the parts of herself she'd lost along the way; and the horrible end that awaited her—not death, but the end of a life unrealized.

Virginia went to her and took the sobbing woman into her strong embrace. "I'm so sorry, Lillian...so sorry for being so...guarded...that you let me in at all has been a constant thing of wonder to me, I admire you so much..."

"Don't...admire me, Virginia," Lillian struggled to say through her sobs, "be... be my friend...let me...be yours..."

"I'm your friend, Lillian...and you are mine, I understand that now...shh..." Being the natural mother that she was Virginia held her and rocked her like a babe until her breathing became normal and her tears dried up, and long after Lillian had finally settled into the brief respite of sleep.

* * *

It was dark when Lillian woke up, still wrapped in the protective embrace of her friend.

"Oh...Virginia—" she looked worriedly over at the window, "your children—I've kept you far too long, I'm sure..." Lillian made to rise up but Virginia held her firmly in her arms.

"I have another hour before I'm to get home, Lillian. So...about me...I had my heart broken, very badly, that's all; more than once, actually. I promised myself that I would never fall in love again. Lust? Sure, no problem. Sex? Sex is great...I like having sex—of course a woman who enjoys sex as much as a man does makes her a whor—"

"Very intriguing, Virginia," Lillian cut her off wistfully.

"That depends on the man, Lillian; some are secure enough to appreciate it—my second husband appreciated it to a fault," Virginia gave a scornful little sniff. "Most men are threatened by it."

"But you've been in love—you really don't want to be in love again?"

"As a very dear friend of mine once said: 'Of course I do!'" she said gruffly, doing a fair impression of Lillian. Both women laughed lightly. "Was it Robert who broke your heart?" Virginia asked as their laughter subsided.

"Robert? No; Robert disappointed me...with his attitude toward me, which changed greatly when he found out that I wanted to be a doctor. My father was a doctor—a cardiologist; one of my fondest memories is playing doctor with his huge medical bag," she chuckled to herself. "The stethoscope seemed like a magic talisman to me; I would put it to my own chest and pretend that my heartbeat was something that I could ride and each beat was a portal to another world—all contained in my own body! I had a very vivid imagination: I tried to imagine what it was like to be the blood, coursing through my veins, traveling to my heart...my brain—down to the tips of my toes! Isn't that ridiculous?"

"Not at all."

"There were plenty of pictures of such things in my father's office, but to feel my pulse, then hear it with his stethoscope—it was just fascinating. I knew then that I wanted to be a doctor. He used to leave his bag out for me to find and explore and then pretend to scold me when he found me playing with it. That always turned into a lesson plan, where he answered any question, happily, that I asked him. He was a progressive man; he encouraged my dream to be a doctor. Now, I'm not quite sure if he took me seriously—it always sounded like he did. But he wasn't around for counsel when I was in med school, nor when I switched my major in college...he'd had several small strokes and was quite debilitated. I don't know what he might have realistically told me about being a woman in the medical profession had he had the chance to. Anyway, when you and doctor Masters showed the film—an actual camera inserted into body showing us—what it looks like inside—it was the most amazing thing I had ever seen with my own eyes, Virginia. I mean, we have x-rays, but that's nothing compared to the possibilities of the application of such technology, to other areas of study... the inroads that could be made in the preventative care of, maybe not all diseases, but...well...it was the most exciting thing, to me anyway. Those idiots couldn't look beyond their discomfort...their ignorance...the titillation—so pathetic..."

"I agree," Virginia smiled down at her.

"But, I digress. The one who broke my heart was another man; a student a med school. We studied together—the only remotely friendly gentleman in the whole university. It was rough going but we became friends. Then we became lovers—passionate lovers—under the noses of his good 'ol boys, no less, who thought I was either a freak of nature or a whore—good girls only went to college to snag husbands, after all, right?"

Above her Virginia nodded.

"Well, anyway...the good 'ol boys won out, in the end..." Lillian said cryptically, her voice raw and bitter.

They were both silent for a long while.

"I'm not in love with Bill Masters," came Virginia's quiet pronouncement.

Lillian rose up from Virginia's embrace to face her. "Is he in love with you?"

"He cannot be in love with me. Yes, we've participated in the study together but we are working very diligently to keep the boundaries intact."

"Working diligently? Listen to yourself, Virginia—"

"We are keeping it professional, Lillian. We could do that a lot better if we had more participants and then we could end that portion of our work altogether."

"Really..."

"Yes, 'really'. I would much prefer it that way."

"So, what's happened—you had plenty of patients at Washington..."

"Yes, well, they've dwindled down to almost none since Bill's limited stint at Memorial; and now that he's at Buell Green...well, the very few that are left keep canceling appointments—they're less than enthusiastic about his new location."

"Why don't you just come out and say it?"

"Say what?"

"That his patients are prejudiced."

"Okay, his patients are prejudiced," Virginia admitted easily. "I really don't want to go into all of that right now; my few days there have been depressing enough, besides, I need to be getting home now, anyway."

"Yes, of course."

"So, you're good for tonight?"

"Oh yes...I've got plenty of food that I have absolutely no appetite for; a lovely new bucket to vomit into, and Steve Allen and Louis Nye can always be counted upon for a laugh, so there is that." Lillian smiled weakly at her.

"Can I help you to bed?"

"Yes, I think that's a good idea..."

When Virginia had Lillian settled comfortably upon the bed she gave her a kiss to the cheek.

"Thank you, Lillian...for being here for me. I haven't had that luxury in a very, very long time," she smiled at her.

Through a silent tear Lillian nodded at her. "I'll see you tomorrow?"

"Oh yes...I plan to be back for all of your tomorrow's...goodnight..." Virginia gave Lillian a final hug and kiss and left her friend quietly.


End file.
